Depression in Teens- What You’re Missing & Misunderstanding

I can typically divide the parents I have worked with into two categories: Those who don’t believe teenagers can (or should) be depressed, and those who are far too quick to assume their child struggles with depression. Both are very misled and often dangerous opinions when your child demonstrates a drastic shift in their mood.

For the former:
There is an old-school type of mentality that believes teenagers haven’t experienced enough to be depressed. While it may be true that your teen hasn’t experienced a hardship that you deem worthy of depression, it could also be true that your teen has gone through something that you don’t know about. Regardless, it’s important to take signs of depression seriously. If your teen’s struggles are met with a “get over it, you’re too young to feel this way, look at how great your life is,” then you can bet your bottom dollar that they won’t be coming to you when they are in over their head. I’m not suggesting that there is never a time and place for those sentiments, but it’s vital that you have a full understanding of what your child is dealing with before you offer that advice. Making assumptions in the face of potential depression is a dangerous game to play.

On the other side of the spectrum is what I consider more fear-based parenting. These are the parents who worry about depression creeping into their child’s life through way of normal, everyday trials. When teenagers experience sadness, fear, or boredom, parents may jump at the chance to “fix” these uncomfortable emotions. I completely understand the desire to intervene before someone you love falls into a dark spiral, but in this case, we are doing more harm than good. If we prevent our kids from fully experiencing discomfort, then we stunt their emotional growth. They will never learn how to move on from sadness, how to be fearful and move forward anyway. How many great ideas, stories, songs, or inventions will we miss out on if our kids don’t experience the boredom necessary to become creative? Shielding our kids from discomfort hinders their confidence, keeps them isolated, and can create the depression that we are trying to prevent in the first place.

This would be the perfect time for me to give you a checklist of signs and symptoms to look for if you’re worried about depression in your teen. A few common ones are:

Extreme sadness, crying for no reason

Irritability

Loss of interest in family or friends

Excessive fatigue

Low self-esteem

Trouble concentrating

These are great warning signs and also not very helpful at all because they also describe typical teenage behavior, right? This is where it gets tricky. Teenagers today are going through crazy personal changes all while navigating a pretty crazy society. Wouldn’t you be irritable and maybe crying for no reason?

You can (and should) look for these signs, but that’s only half of the process. The main component in being able to recognize depression in your child is first being able to recognize your child. You won’t be able to spot extreme changes in your teen if you don’t know how they typically behave in the first place. I know, life is busy, and most of your teens probably don’t want anything to do with you. Even so, you have to do everything you can to connect and stay connected. Put down your phone, or your book, or take a week off work go somewhere together. Listen to their music, watch their favorite movie. Immerse yourself in their world as often as you can. If you can be in it, then you’ll know when it starts to deteriorate.

Now, if you’ve read this far and you are truly concerned that your child is struggling with depression, here are some things NOT to do:

Jump to conclusions

Start making a treatment plan for them

Be afraid to ask questions

Interrogate

Remind them how good life is

Preach to them

Make them feel wrong for struggling

Your child may need some help digging their way out of a depressive state. It’s not old-fashioned to think that some physical activity, connection with others, and some new experiences could help lighten their load. It’s also not wrong to understand that medication and psychotherapy may be necessary to help untangle the negative thoughts that lead to depression. Offer and be willing to provide both to see what works for your teen.

To be a teenager is to be in a vulnerable position. Triple that for teens struggling with mental health. What they need from you in that struggle is reliability, consistency, steadiness, and confidence. You can’t lecture them out of depression. You can listen, you can offer professional help, and you can love them.

“As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” - Psalm 103:13